Get up-close and personal on the topic of finances. No need for surprises after the wedding.
When Nancy and Andrew got married two years ago, Nancy was shocked to discover that her new husband had a secret - he owed more than twelve thousand dollars on his credit cards.
"I was pretty upset about it," says Nancy today. "I'd always paid my credit cards off in full and now all of a sudden we had this huge debt! We talked about a lot of stuff before we got married - where we'd live, how many kids we'd have, where we'd like to travel - but we never talked about money. Now I wish we had."
Have you discussed finances with your fiance? If the answer is no, you're not alone, says psychologist Betsy Stone. "As a culture, we don"t talk about money," explains Stone, author of Happily Ever After: Making the Transition from Getting Married to Being Married (Doubleday, 1997). "So the first thing you have to do when you're trying to create a relationship that has a financial component - like marriage - is to begin to talk about money. What do you spend money on? What are you saving money for? How do you feel about money?
It's important to bring up these issues even before you're married because many financial decisions you make before marriage - such as buying a new car or taking out student loans - will affect your financial status for years to come. Many engaged couples, however, simply assume that their fiance shares the same financial priorities, goals and spending habits - only to be rudely awakened after the wedding. By initiating money talks early on, you can avoid misunderstandings and disagreements after you're husband and wife.
What are your priorities? Do you want to buy a house right away? Do you want to build a savings account so you have a fund for emergencies? Talk to your fiance about your goals and discuss how the two of you will achieve them. "It's really important for couples to have a plan that they agree on," says Stone. "It's not what the plan is per se but that they agree on a plan. Every couple has to negotiate a plan that works for them. There's no one abstract plan that works for all of us."
For many couples, the first step is determining how they're spending their income. One effective way to get a handle on your money is to track your spending for several months. Write every expenditure down, no matter how small - and don't forget your morning latte or the Sunday paper. Once you know where your money is going, you can determine whether you're happy with your spending habits - or whether they need some adjustments.
"I think everybody ought to know where they're spending money because the way you spend money is a statement of what matters to you," says Stone. And after you've taken a closer look at how you much you make and how much you spend, it's easier to plan for priorities like a house, new furniture, or paying off student loans or credit card bills.
While every couple is different, most agree to some general guidelines that help maintain financial peace. For example, some couples agree to a "cooling off" period before they buy a major purchase like a computer or appliance. While Ronda and Jim will buy things for their home without consulting each other, they don't spend over $30 on "luxury" items like CDs without mentioning it to the other person.
Finally, remember that money can be a loaded issue. It's natural to have some disagreements over how it will be spent, especially early on. "Don't expect that the first time you talk about money it will be easy - you haven't talked about money with anyone," warns Stone. "Money is something about which we have very strong personal feelings. We have to be able to talk about it, share our feelings, and work out a compromise that works for both people."
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